My Two-Bit Opinion #2: Driving
Driving is a deceptively complex endeavor. It's actually a four dimensional activity. You have to take into account length, height, width, and time. What this means is that people must anticipate or be made aware of other driver's intentions and concerns. There are several ways to do this:
1. The Turn Signal
Perhaps the greatest and least
used inventions of man is the turn signal. Effective use of the
turn signal can save lives, money, and sanity. To properly use
the turn signal, first you must have at least two hands: one for
the steering wheel and one for the operation of the turn signal.
This means that, in order to properly operate your motor vehicle,
you must HANG UP AND FUCKING DRIVE!
The turn signal is a communications device - whether you're
encountering other motorists at an intersection or just changing
lanes, the turn signal is the only mode of expression you have
available to you, aside from your middle finger. In such a dynamic
arena as traffic, communication is key. I've often wished that
there were some sort of short-range communication technology inside
cars to foster better communications between people, but such
a technology would surely breed hatred and anger, as drivers would
only use it to express their burning contempt for one another.
2. Awareness - The Rear View Mirror
This is what Zen Buddhists call "Mindfulness." Paying attention to the road conditions, other cars, etc., especially those in the rear view mirror. True awareness, the Buddhists say, can only be achieved through the silencing of extraneous noise and trivial concerns. This means that, first of all, one must HANG UP AND DRIVE, YOU YUPPIE BASTARD FROM HELL!
The rear view mirror, like the turn signal, is tragically underused. Not only is it effective at detecting cars near you when you change your position, but it is also good for detecting motorists that may simply wish to drive faster than you. For example, you may be on a scenic country biway - in scenic northern Arkansas let's say - and you do not feel the need to use your rear view mirror, as there are no turns or lane changes to be made. You would be gravely mistaken, however, as often there are drivers behind you who cannot pass you and who do not wish to drive 35 mph in a 55mph zone, so by all means PULL OVER, YOU INCONSIDERATE THOUGHTLESS DOORKNOB!
3. Anticipate
If you are driving in the far right lane of a four lane road, and you see that a driver is wishing to make a right turn onto your road, by all means move to the left lane if you can, to assist the driver in moving along expeditiously.
If you are merging onto a freeway SPEED THE HELL UP, GRANDMA!
If you are merging off a freeway exit, SLOW THE HELL DOWN, MCQUEEN!
4. Be Conscientious
Take into consideration the needs
and intentions of other drivers. If you're driving 45 in a 50
mph zone and people are directly behind you, let them pass. If
you're hauling cargo of some kind and have more than three cars
directly behind you - PULL THE FUCK OVER! which brings
me to a tangential topic:
Mobile Home/RV/Trailer-Drivin' Sumbitches
I'm from northwest Arkansas originally. The only way to access my hometown is by treading an arduous stretch of inconsistent asphalt known as Highway 65. For the most part, this stretch is a curvy two-lane road with varying degrees of safety. However, it is the only route for large vehicles to take to reach the golden fields of Missouri, particularly the bland Promised Land for itinerant retirees, Branson, MO.
But I shall refrain from further besmirching of Branson until a later date. Right now I want to focus on the inconsiderate and mostly clueless drivers who haul themselves and their belongings across this great country of ours, usually at 45mph.
Yes, it's an idyllic way to spend one's golden years - dragging an unwieldy barn around and holding up other citizens from their daily business. Oh, yes, it's so much cheaper and more attractive to shell out several thousands of dollars on a Winnebago than to occasionally get a room at Motel 6. Incidentally, "winnebago" has to be one of the most all-time funniest words in and of itself. The fact that it is used to describe hippopotamic, ostensibly "mobile" vehicles is all the more hilarious. I think the word is Anasazi for "dipstick."
The vehicles themselves are not my target, however. It is their proliferation and operation by thoughtless churls that so offends me. If you think you may be one of these sorts of people, please read through the following suggestions for successful negotiation of America's highways and good road karma:
1. If you have more than three cars directly behind you - PULL OVER, YOU HIPPOPOTAMIC LANDMASS!
2. If there is more than one lane available - NEVER VENTURE INTO THE LEFT LANE - IT'S NOT FOR YOU, YOU GERIATRIC FUCK!
3. Never attempt to pass anyone in a temporary passing zone, because it will take you the entire length of that zone to achieve optimal passing velocity. You will need to pull over afterward to release from anguish the three people who will no doubt be behind you, and in doing so, you will lose any ground you gained from passing.
4. If your vehicle cannot achieve the posted speed limit on inclines - DON'T DRIVE IT!
New: 5. If you struggle to go 15mph up a hill, and you've got a dozen cars backed up behind your sorry ass, DO NOT attempt to accelerate when you reach level grade! You will pull over to release the poor tortured souls behind you from their imprisonment. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL YOU ATTEMPT TO OUTRUN THOSE BEHIND YOU. Accelerating to 45mph will only anger your captives; they will hate you for it. Bus drivers be advised; this applies to you as well.
All of these safe driving tips will ensure you and you fellow motorists a safe, reasonably happy journey.
If you can think of more, let us know
I got to use the word "hippopotamic" TWICE!