Speaking of caffeine, have I ranted lately about 20 oz. sodas? The 12 oz. can of soda is an endangered species these days at convenience stores and vending machines as companies have realized they can stick it to us by selling us more beverage than we need for twice the price. It’s absolutely insidious. They know we want caffeine and that we’ve probably got a dollar, but nevermind the fact that 20 oz. is more than any human needs to consume in one sitting. Yet this is the only choice kids have in schools and recreation centers across America. And at convenience stores the cans, if they’re there, are usually at the very top where kids can’t reach them. Is it any wonder we’re a nation of fatsos? I actually feel like starting some kind of petition but what a crappy cause to take up when there’s so much else to worry about in the world – we have too much sugar! Too much sweet beveragey goodness! Oh the humanity! Damn youse corporations for forcing my cup to runneth over with bubbly deliciousness! How do you sleep at night?!

I say all this while maintaining my position that Coke® remains perhaps the single greatest beverage man has yet devised for all ages to consume. I limit myself to no more than one can a day [1], but these companies are making it so difficult. Perhaps they’ll get regulated a la the tobacco industry someday? I scoff at the libertarians and conservatives who say that unregulated business will spontaneously regulate themselves into market balance – The Coca-Cola Company being the perfect example of a sneaky corporation that seduces us almost subconsciously into paying more for what we don’t need.

1.) Except in cases where I’ve been to the movies and have no other choice but to purchase the rural-water-tower-size cup.

Things I want:

• a new drug

Things that this drug should not do:

• make me sick
• make me crash my car
• make me feel three feet thick
• make me nervous, wondering what to do
• spill
• cost too much
• come in a pill
• go away
• keep me up all night
• make me sleep all day
• make me feel too bad
• make me feel too good
• make me talk too much
• make my face freak out

Things that this drug should do:

• make me feel like I feel when I’m with you, when I’m alone with you
• what it should
• have no doubt

“Twenty years ago, I never would’ve believed that we’d have a black, female Secretary of State, much less one who was a conservative warmonger, too. We’ve come a long way.”

In other news, happy 50th birthday to Eddie Van Halen. Ed, I can’t say enough great things about your abilities as an innovative player and composer. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then you’re the most flattered guitarist in the world. I do wish you’d quit smoking and drinking, though; if you’re lucky you’ll live to look like Keith Richards, and who wants that?